When a long term relationship ends it seems like the end of the world sometimes. You have devoted so much time and energy to this person, and now they are gone. It can leave you feeling like you are going to be alone forever.... but there is hope. It is a time of great pain, but if can also be a time of great possibilities. Keep reading to see how you can find love again...
I recently spoke to a woman, let's call her Jill (name changed for privacy) who had been dating a man for about 13 years. She had come hime from work one day and he told her that the relationship wasn't working for him any more. He was packing his stuff and moving out. Jill was of course absolutely devestated. In her mind, everything had been perfect and this hit her completely out of left field. In her mind, she was now going to be sad and alone forever, because this man was her "soul mate" If you find yourself in a situation like Jill's here are a few things that you can do to heal and move forward.
4. Identify your reasons for dating. Be aware of your intentions. Are you just looking for someone to casually date? Are you looking for a spouse? Just as importantly, what are you seeking on an emotional level? Do you want to have fun? Are you looking for adventure? Security? Do you want to be loved and appreciated? Determine if dating right now is the most effective way to meet those emotional needs. It might be that you can serve your emotional needs without dating (friends, pets, even therapy)
5. Make a list of the traits that you desire in a partner. It’s easy to find what you desire if you know what you desire. Make a list of all the traits you want in a partner and then prioritize the list. If you’re not clear on what you value, how can you find someone who shares your values? Because if you’re dating people who don’t share the same values as you, it’ll never work. Think about your past relationships. Remember those times when you first started dating someone and you discovered something that didn’t jive with your values? And remember how you brushed it to the side and said, “It’s probably not that big of a deal. Maybe I’ll change….or maybe they’ll change.” Sound familiar? Fast-forward to your breakup. I’ll bet some of those old clashes in values came up throughout the breakup process, didn’t they? The items at the top of your list should be non-negotiable. Never accept a relationship that doesn't fit.
6. Make a list of things that you won't tolerate. It’s just as important to identify the traits you’re unwilling to entertain in a partner. Exclude these people as quickly as possible. Why try to force yourself to accept something that is unacceptable to you? It’s better to avoid major issues than to try to solve them. It’s hard to say “no.” We don’t like hurting people’s feelings and letting people down, so we say “yes” to things we shouldn’t. Then we kick ourselves afterward for not having had the guts to say “no.” When we delay our “nos” we’re wasting our time and the other person’s time. We go on third, fourth, and fifth dates with people who we’re really not interested in, but we just can’t tell them the words, “I’m sorry, I just don’t want to be with you.” Instead, we draw it out into a painful process of indecision, stress, and fear. How do you say “no” to someone you’re not interested in continuing dating? You say, “I’m sorry, but I know what I’m looking for in a partner and you’re not that person.” And really, what’s so bad about saying, “You’re not the partner for me?” Personally, I’d rather hear that and say my goodbyes than feel attacked by a laundry list of all the areas I lack and reasons we’re not a good couple. Just because things didn’t work out with someone doesn’t necessarily mean I should change; maybe it just means there’s a better match out there for me.
7. Don’t worry about what your ex is doing. Your ex might be dating multiple people, but that doesn’t mean you have to date anyone if it’s not the right choice for you. Have you really let go of your ex and moved on from your breakup? If you haven’t let go, you’re not going to find love. Period. On the first date I went on after my breakup I talked about my ex. A lot. I knew I was breaking the sacred rules of first dates, but I didn’t care. I wasn’t about to hide my true feelings. Because the fact was I was still sad about it. It was clear to me that I wasn’t yet over the breakup. But I also understood that if I had my ex and my breakup on my mind there was never going to be room for new love to enter. This means that it is time for you to stop Facebook stalking him, liking all his Instagram stories, etc. Instituting a no contact plan is a good move ...The no-contact rule refers to cutting off ALL contact with an ex following a breakup, and it's the best method for moving on from an ex. No contact should last for a minimum of 60 days, and it includes no texting, no calling, and no interacting on social media. It can feel like an extreme move when you're still working to get over a breakup, but the truth is that cutting off contact with an ex is the fastest, most effective way to truly move on. The no-contact rule is a detox that brings you back to reality after your relationship ends. You see your ex not for what you wish them to be but for who they are. Are they selfish? Cowardly? A liar? An emotionally immature narcissist? As your eyes open to reality, you can make a better decision about when a partner is really a good bet for the long haul.
I'm not going to lie to you - breakups SUCK - and there are going to be days where you feel like the world is ending. Days where all you want to do is lie in bed and eat 10 pints of ice cream while watching Netflix. And it is ok to do that, for a short time. Getting your feelings out is never a bad thing, it is when you start to get trapped by them that things are a problem. I promise that things DO get better with time, and that you will find love again. Use the tips above to get back on track, and download these handy pages to help you out!
24 years of tarot experience, 20 years experience as a mom, and a lifetime of knowledge is just rattling around in here!