Understanding the Five Love Languages

Understanding what the 5 Love Languages are can help you to not only tell your partner that you care, but can also be a great way to strengthen your relationship. Keep reading for more information about the different love languages, take a quiz and download a worksheet to help you and your partner get on the same page and speaking the language.... together!

Nearly everyone wants to show their partner that they care about them. Yet many people struggle to do it in a way that speaks to their loved one's heart. If you find that this describes your situation, you may want to learn more about the five love languages, which were developed by author, pastor, and counselor Gary Chapman, PhD.

​Although Dr. Chapman's book "The 5 Love Languages" was originally written in 1992, it continues to help couples today. Before writing the book, Dr. Chapman spent years taking notes with couples he was counseling when he recognized a pattern. He realized that the couples were misunderstanding one another and each other's needs.

After going through his notes, he came up with five love languages that people may respond to:

1. Words of Affirmation
2. Quality Time 
3. Physical Touch
4. Receiving Gifts
​5. Acts of Service

So why are love languages important? We all express and receive love differently. Consequently, understanding those differences can make a serious impact on your relationship. In fact, according to Dr. Chapman, this exercise is one of the simplest ways to improve your relationships. Here are some other ways it could be beneficial.
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• Promotes Being Selfless: When you are committed to learning someone else's love language, you are focused on their needs rather than your own. This is the central premise of Dr. Chapman's theory. Couples should work to learn their partner's love language rather than trying to convince their partner to learn theirs. Ideally, both people will want to express love in a way that is meaningful to the other.
• Creates Empathy: As someone learns more about how their partner experiences love, they learn to empathize with that person. It helps them step outside of themselves for a moment and take a look at what makes another person feel significant and loved. Consequently, when couples are committed to learning and utilizing the love languages, they increase their emotional intelligence and learn how to put someone else's needs above their own. Instead of speaking their own love language to their partner, they learn how to speak in a language that their partner understands.
• Maintains Intimacy: If couples regularly talk about what keeps their love tanks full, this creates more understanding—and ultimately intimacy—in their relationship. They not only learn more about one another, but they also connect in deeper and more meaningful ways. When this happens, their relationship begins to feel more intimate.

So let's dive into exactly WHAT the different love languages are and how they are communicated. 

1. Words of Affirmation

Words of affirmation is about expressing affection through spoken words, praise, or appreciation. When this is someone's primary love language, they enjoy kind words and encouragement as well as uplifting quotes, love notes, and cute text messages. You can make this person's day by complimenting them or pointing out what they do well. Words of affirmation don’t have to be fancy. A simple “Thanks for that” or “I appreciate you” goes a long way. You’re acknowledging the effort your significant other is putting into a situation or a moment, and they’ll brighten when they know you notice. It’s a funny thing: It may seem like you’re doing the heavy lifting, giving all those compliments. But you’ll reap the rewards when your loved one feels all the warm fuzzies for you because you’re being so supportive of them. Wins all around! ​

2. Quality Time

Love and affection are expressed for someone with this love language through undivided attention. The person feels loved if you are present and focused on them. This means putting down the cell phone, turning off the tablet, making eye contact, and actively listening. Affirm what the other person is saying and refrain from offering advice. Quality time can be something as simple as cooking together, taking a walk together or even playing a board game together!  Quality time as a love language can sometimes feel tricky to pinpoint since most people crave time together to some degree. The main factor here is you find quality time to be the *biggest* source of validation in your connections. You feel most loved when you and your loved one(s) spend uninterrupted time together. You may enjoy quality engagement, eye contact, and reciprocal communication. You appreciate any time the two of you can have a shared experience.

3. Physical Touch

A person with physical touch as their primary love language feels loved through physical affection. Aside from sex, they feel loved when their partner holds their hand, touches their arm, or gives them a massage at the end of the day, for example. This person's idea of a perfect date might include cuddling on the couch with a glass of wine and a good movie. They simply want to be close to their partner physically.

Most specifically, having touch as a love language means that small physical gestures—such as having a partner put their arm around you in public or snuggle up close to you on the couch while watching TV together—matter a lot more to you than things like gifts or saying "I love you." There's a physiological reason physical touch is so enjoyable: That skin-to-skin contact triggers the release of certain hormones associated with pleasure and bonding. Having physical touch as your love language doesn't mean that it is all about sex - which is a common misconception. 

4. Receiving Gifts

People who want to receive gifts as a sign of love are not materialistic. They want thoughtful gifts that indicate their loved ones have been listening to them and thinking of them throughout the day. This can be done by sending them flowers in the middle of the week or by buying them a certificate to the spa. But what matters most is the thought behind the gift! ​Of all the love languages, the act of gift giving is arguably the most often misconstrued. To some, it can seem greedy or as if the recipient is fixated on things versus love itself. That’s not the case. 

If you or your partner’s love language is gifts, that means you feel loved [or that you’re demonstrating love] with a tangible item. Whether that item is a tiny trinket from a thrift store, or a 50-foot sailboat is inconsequential. Either convey the same message: I was thinking about you when I saw this. You’re always on my mind.

5. Acts of Service

​At its core, an act of service is about someone going out of their way to meaningfully help and support the other person. When people take initiative to ease some of their responsibilities and burdens, it helps them feel taken care of, safe, and loved in return. ​People whose love language is acts of service prefer that people show their love and appreciation with chores and other odd-jobs. It goes beyond just doing chores or what you’re asked to do, but picking up extra work around the house or running errands they’ve been dreading to make their day easier. I feel especially loved when I have had a long day at work, and my husband makes dinner so that i don't have to when I get home. 

Remember that an act of service is about more than doing household chores, delivering on some high-octane grand gesture, or how much one can accommodate their every desire to please them. It's really about going after a much more emotionally subtle feeling where they feel like they can trust you to have their back, for the small and the big things. To strike the right balance in giving and avoid burnout, pay attention to their daily activities and notice where you can check things off their to-do list. Then, fold that into your schedule naturally. 

Take the love language quiz: 

Download the worksheet: 

Love Languages For Couples Worksheet
File Size:	30 kb
File Type:	pdf

Download File

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If you would like to learn more about creating a strong relationship and lasting love, consider taking our Happily Ever After Masterclass (new session coming next month!)