What Do I Do When... They Are A Cheater?

One of the most common concerns that I see when answering questions for clients is the issue of cheating. Cheating is something that can destroy not only your relationship, but also your ability to trust again. Let's take a look at a letter and talk about what you can do if the person that you love cheats on you.

     Dear Tucumcari Tarot, 
I have been married to Robert for about 10 years now. We have two kids together and last year we finished building a home. Shortly after the house was finished I noticed that he started to work late a lot, he was always on his phone and just seemed distant. We haven't had sex in over 4 months - I have tried everything from wearing slinky lingerie to arranging a weekend away. I even offered to have a threesome! I was worried so the last time he went out to mow the lawn I grabbed his phone and looked through it. I was devastated to see that he has apparently been sleeping with a woman named Alicia for almost a year. There are so many text messages where they tell each other I love you, talk about when they can see each other again and so much more. I am shattered, I had no idea that there was an issue with the marriage until recently. Is there anything that can be done to save our marriage? Was it something that I did wrong? I am just at a loss... please help me!
 -Cheated on in California

Dear Cheated on in California, 
First, let me extend my condolences to you for having to go through this situation, I know how devastating it can be to find out that the person that you love and married isn't who you thought they were. While a relationship takes two people to work, it can take just one to blow it all apart.

The sad truth about infidelity is that almost 60% of married couples will cheat at least once in a marriage. People assume that cheating happens because of unhappiness or being unsatisfied. The actual reasons are often much more varied, especially by gender.

Men are prone to more casual and opportunistic affairs, often being reckless in their behavior which is what gets them caught. Often they are visually driven ("but she was hot!) Women are much more methodical in regards to an affair, because they consider the stakes to be much higher - making an affair a last resort. Their affairs are much more often driven by emotions ("he made me feel sexy and special")

More interesting to me is the fact that when asked about cheating if they were guaranteed they wouldn't get caught:

74% of men would cheat 
68% of women would cheat

But let's have a conversation about what IS cheating before we go much further. Each relationship is different, and as a result of that each person's definitions of cheating may be different. In some relationships just TALKING to another person of the opposite sex is infidelity, for others it might be hand-holding or kissing. Each person should be clear UP FRONT and at the BEGINNING of the relationship about what their expectation is from their partner. 

The overwhelming majority of affairs (60% of them) start with people who already know each other. Most often this is a friend or a co-worker. On top of that sobering statistic, 53% of people cheat with an ex partner!

Once an affair has started it becomes a balancing act of hiding this from the partner. Statistically the average affair lasts 

2 YEARS

Once the affair is discovered by the other partner the relationship typically begins a downward spiral. It is tempting to want to fix things, and to give the cheater another chance. Unfortunately 69% of relationships don't recover.

 You've heard the phrase "Once a cheater, always a cheater" and there is a kernel of truth to it. Studies consistently show that a cheater is 350% more likely to cheat again then someone who has never cheated. 

So the cheating has been discovered, so what do you do next? 

1. DO get tested ASAP

If your partner doesn't respect you enough to stay faithful to you, assume that they are not responsible/respectful enough to have practiced safe sex with the person that they were cheating with. Go to your doctor and ask for a full STD panel.

2. DO NOT blame yourself

While it takes two to make a relationship work, you cannot control another person's behavior. Your partner made a conscious choice to allow a third person into your relationship. That is entirely on THEM!

3. DO NOT try to get even

It is tempting to want to get back at your partner by going out and having your own affair, but two wrongs don't make a right. This course of action will only keep the anger alive and keep you in a state of negativity. You are better then that!

4. DO NOT fall apart or forget to take care of yourself

Chances are you were caught entirely unawares, and it is devastating. I can understand the desire to crawl under the covers and forget all about the rest of the world. You can't just abandon life and responsibilities - but you DO need to make sure that you are taking care of yourself. Go and get your hair done, go to a spa, even go get your nails done - just something for you that makes you feel good. 

5. DO NOT let someone else make your choices for you

Chances are that when you find out about the affair that you are going to tell someone - a friend, a family member, etc. Everyone is going to have an opinion as to what you need to do, but only you know what really is best for you. This is especially important in some cultures more then others. Some places the woman is expected to just be quiet and accept the affair - so listen to everyone's input, but at the end of the day you are the only one who can make the right choice for YOU.

6. DO NOT involve the kids

If you have children DO NOT involve them in your dispute. It is not fair to them to feel like they are the position where they have to choose one parent over the other. You can admit to them that you are sad, or to let them know that you are having an issue getting along, but they do not need details (unless they are older and they understand what is going on) and what they DO need is for you to let them know that they are loved, and that this is not going to change regardless of what happens.

7. DO NOT try to ignore it or go back to the way that things were

It is really tempting to pretend like it didn't happen or that maybe you misunderstood the situation (especially if you have invested a while in the relationship or there are kids) but at the end of the day all that is going to do is create resentment. Even if you decide to work things out you need to accept that things are fundamentally changed, and that you are now entering a new chapter of your relationship. Nothing will be the same ever again.

8. DO attend therapy, even if you have to go alone

This is a deeply emotional time for you, and you need to process everything that you are feeling. Attending therapy can give you some great coping strategies as well as helping to move forward - regardless of if it is alone or as a continuation of the relationship. There is no shame or weakness in getting a little extra help. 

Betrayal is the most damaging part of an affair. The person who was cheated on usually struggles to know what is real anymore. Their ability to discern what is real gets damaged. To try to repair this, the person who cheated needs to be completely honest, even if it will seemingly hurt their spouse more, since continuing to hide the truth can cause even more damage.

That includes letting the partner who was cheated on see emails and cell phones, much like “random ‘drug tests.’” “It seems like the cheater is now on probation, and that is not ideal, but the betrayed partner needs to rebuild trust and faith. Knowing they can check on their partner's phone or computer is a bit reassuring. But the biggest thing to remember is that this isn't something that will be fixed overnight. 

You both need to be committed to moving forward. That means 100% effort into rebuilding trust, but also to finding a way to reconnect with your partner emotionally, and eventually sexually.  As the partner who was cheated on you need to:

* Express your feelings to your spouse, but be sure to avoid accusations.
Try to use “I” messages such as, “I feel deeply hurt by your actions and I’m not sure I can ever trust you again.” 
​
* Avoid rehashing all of the events around the affair.
Marathon talk sessions about it may deepen the wounds. 

* Find a way to forgive
or at least accept their partner’s actions and work towards forgiveness.

But at the end of the day, only you know what you can and cannot forgive, and what is best for you. Hopefully though, this gives you a good place to start. Here are some resources that you can download and use to help you.

What is forgiveness? Worksheet

I Statements Guide

Assertive Communication Guide

Fair Fighting Guide