What Do I Do When...It Is My Boss?

Next up in the advice center we are looking at what to do when the person that you are in love with is the boss. Is it worth pursuing, and what should you be doing to protect yourself. Keep reading to find out...

     Dear Tucumcari Tarot, 
​
I started a new job last year as an executive assistant. The more time that I spent working with my boss the more that I begin to see his sense of humor and how unbelievably sexy he is. We started flirting not long ago, and I swear that you could cut the sexual tension with a knife. We are together in a work capacity every day and have lunch together most of the time. Last month there was a staff dinner at a local bar and we were the last two to leave. He walked me out to my car and the next thing I knew we were kissing. One thing led to another and we ended up sleeping together. The sex was SOOOOO hot - the best that I have ever had. Since then we are together as often as we can be, but I have some concerns. I don't want to get in trouble, but also he is married. I know that his marriage is a mess and he isn't happy so it isn't like I am a home-wrecker. What do I do?

-Work Wife in Washington DC

Ok, Work Wife in Washington DC,  there is so much to unpack here. This is a situation that I have a lot of experience with and since both my marriages started at work, I feel like I can offer some real insight. So where do we start? Let's dive into the first thing - which is workplace relationships in general. In the 1990s 20% of all couples met at work, and while it is down to around 10% now it still happens quite often. When you add in a supervisor component Career Builder has found that 1 in 3 people have dated someone above them in rank.

And the romance novel industry hasn't helped the situation any. When I checked Amazon and the Kindle shop there are more then 30K results for "boss romance" and they run the gamut from fairly sweet and tame boss to lover stories all the way to those that are downright filthy. Here are just a couple of the ones that show up just on the FIRST page of results:

It is completely natural to be attracted to those in positions of power but that doesn't mean acting on it is a good idea. There are a number of things that are a concern and need to be taken into consideration.

1. In most places dating someone of a different rank is a HUGE violation of company policy, and some places also forbid ANY workplace romances.

Nearly all workplaces have what they call a "fraternization" policy. They will outline somewhere in the company handbook what is and isn't allowed, what can happen if the policy is violated. So the first thing you need to do if you haven't already is to get yourself a copy of the handbook and read it REALLY close. DO NOT have any further romantic contact until you know.

2. In addition to wanting to be sure that it isn't a violation of policy it is still worth remembering that we are living in the era of #MeToo

How easy is it to fall into the he said/she said situation any time that a relationship goes south? We see it all the time when our friends go through a breakup or even a divorce. Regardless of what ACTUALLY happens everyone picks a side. It is natural for that to carry over into a workplace. If the relationship goes south, the other person - or even YOU - could be looking down the barrel of a sexual harassment lawsuit. This is enough of a concern that some workplaces that DO allow inter-company relations will require you to sign what is called a "cupid contract". This is essentially a document that you would both sign - these preventative documents include written confirmation from both romantic partners indicating the relationship is voluntary and that the company’s sexual harassment policies are understood. 

​3. Your credibility is going to take a hit...

A workplace is a hotbed for gossip. It is simply a fact of life, and you really have no control over this. You can be so careful, and all it takes is one person to THINK that they saw something and suddenly everyone is talking. This is one that I have personal experience with. I met my current husband in our workplace. I was the one in the higher position (at least initially) and someone saw us out to lunch - not even AT work - and that was all it took to start that brush fire. Despite being upfront with management, staying professional at work, being in different departments we still managed to have co workers who wanted to make life difficult. I cannot tell you how many times that I was called to the office and got the "talk" : 

     Manager: we heard that you and George (not my husbands real name) are spending too much time together here at work, and your co-workers are concerned.

Me: We work hard to make sure that we are nothing but professional here. Can I ask what the specific examples are?

Manager: Well, uh... this person said that you two arrived together this morning, and that you leave together every afternoon.

Me: We live together so we only use one car. We go opposite directions as soon as we come in the door, and we come from opposite directions when it is time to leave. Other then that we don't usually even see each other all day.

Manager: Well the perception is that you are spending too much time together, and you need to stop. Maybe you need to take seperate cars to and from work. (At one point after we married we were even told we should buy another car so we didn't ride in together) 

The whole thing was a nightmare... well, not my husband, but the stuff that we had to put up with. Suddenly, despite being a top department supervisor, I was suddenly seen as someone who was using sex to get special privileges, or in one accusation, that I seduced this lower rank co-worker. Regardless of if you do anything wrong or questionable, if the perception is that there is something there people will jump all over that. You also are going to have to work twice as hard to be seen as doing your job, because people will assume that you are getting special favors.

​4. What happens if there is a problem or a break-up? 

Doctors and therapists are not allowed to date patients because it is a conflict of interest and unethical - why is it that people don't view other professions and workplaces the same way? If you are dating a boss, or you are the boss dating someone beneath you you run the risk of getting fired. Maybe it is you, maybe it is them, maybe even it is both of you.

In 2019 the CEO of McDonald's, Steve Easterbrook, was caught up in a workplace sex scandal - covering up multiple sexual relationships with those under him. The fallout was swift and spectacular. Nude photos were leaked, explicit text messages and email were splashed across news sites.... and Steve found himself without a job. With his dismissal from the company went a $1 MILLION a year salary. The women in question were dragged through the mud, got called gold-diggers, and their credibility was shredded. 

Then there is the issues with bad breakups. Let's say that you had been seeing your boss for months when suddenly he decides that this isn't working and breaks up with you. You are in love with him and spend the weekend crying. Come Monday morning, you resign yourself to ignoring him. But then that afternoon he snaps at you because you missed something in the numbers... the working relationship over the next couple of weeks becomes so bad that you think about quitting. You talk yourself out of quitting and try your best to just keep your head down. Then you find out that he is dating Becky in accounting and they can't keep their hands off each other. Do you really want to subject yourself to that? Studies show that only about 3% of all workplace relationships end in a long term relationship or marriage. 

Now let's get to the final part of your situation - the fact that your boss is married. Any relationship with someone who is married is problematic. 75% of all marriages that started as affairs end in divorce. as sad as that statistic is, when you consider that only 5-7% of affairs end up in marriage it suddenly becomes a fraction of a fraction of people that this works out for. Take that into consideration because the odds are NOT in your favor.

And if you think that I don't get it, I do. My current marriage started as an affair. Both of us were married to other people, and both of us were unhappy where we were. That doesn't make what we did right. It made both of our divorces a bit contentious, and we are lucky that we didn't have too many issues. In some states an affair can be grounds for the courts to give EVERYTHING to the person who was cheated on. It was hard, and there were a lot of times when I questioned if I was doing the right thing. Even today, the relationship with my older daughter isn't fantastic. You need to remember that it isn't just the two of you that are affected, especially if children are involved. We have been together now for almost 15 years, but even today we still have people that are angry with us for our relationship. So my biggest advice here is DO NOT DATE someone who is married. 

So what can you do?

If you really are determined to try to make it work with someone in the work place there are a couple of things that you NEED to do:

* Find your company handbook RIGHT NOW before you make another move. Read to see what the company policy is in your workplace.

* If romantic relationships are NOT allowed then you need to stop - it will go badly for at least one of you and maybe both if you try to hide it and assume no one will notice.

* If relationships are allowed, check the conditions. You will need to notify your HR department or upper management. Be prepared for them to require one of you transfer to another department or even another facility. 

* If the other person is married think REALLY hard about if this is worth the fallout that comes if or when the affair is discovered.

* If you really love your job, or have worked really hard to create a reputation think twice. How will it impact you if it gets out to a potential employer? This could potentially impact your ability to get another job.

At the end of the day, this is about more then some attraction. It can have implications for YEARS. And that is not an exaggeration. So just think really hard about the situation and if it is worth it for you. I hope that this helped.

Have any of you had a workplace romance? Any horror stories? Share them here or on social media. If you share on social media tag @tucumcaritarot and use the hashtag #officeromancehorrorstory