What Do I Do....when he has a baby mama?

The first official post in the "What do I do" series focuses in on something that has been a real issue for a lot of people lately. It wasn't what I had originally planned, but it soon became clear that this was something that I needed to talk about sooner rather then later. You have found a great guy.... but it turns out that he has a baby mama in the picture. What now? 

 Dear Tucumcari Tarot, 
I have been with Mike now for about 7 months. He is so fantastic, and we really have a great connection. Nearly everything about the relationship is perfect - except for Nicole. Nicole is the mother of his 8 year old son. It seems like Mike and Nicole are always talking or texting each other and it is driving me crazy. He stopped by her house the other day to help paint his son's room - look I understand that she is a single mom now, but he is MY boyfriend not hers. I want him to stop talking to her and going over to her house to help her with things. I don't think that I am being unreasonable, but lately Mike and I seem to do nothing but fight about it. Am I being unreasonable? Does he want to be with her instead of me?
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​ - Frustrated in Frankfort

Dear Frustrated, 
A relationship is complicated enough without adding a third party in to the mix, so I totally understand how this can be frustrating for you. When I met my current husband he had TWO ex-wives to deal with, and children from each of those marriages. One of the ex's was fine to deal with (probably because the boys were already in high school by then) but the second ex was absolutely the stuff of nightmares. Their divorce was the epitome of nasty and that can add a lot of stress to the relationship. It is totally normal to have some concerns about where she fits into your life.

The first thing that you are going to need to make peace with is that unless he is a crap father, that this child is GOING to come first. I can't tell you how many women I have talked to who think that because they are in a relationship with the man that means they are automatically the top of the list. I hate to break it to you, but that just isn't how it goes. His kid's welfare is going to be his priority, especially if the child is under the age of 18. So unless he lied to you for the last seven months you KNEW that he had a child and you chose to get involved anyways. Today over 46% of marriages involve a step-parent situation, and for dating that number is closer to 65%! 

It is 100% normal to be jealous of what he had with her - obviously they had enough of a relationship to create a child together, and that can be hard to face. I struggled with it when I first got in a relationship with my husband because I WANTED a child, and I had had miscarriage after miscarriage. There was a little voice in my brain that liked to whisper "well, if you can't give him kids he is going to want to go back to her" - and that was an irrational voice playing on my insecurity.

And you HAVE to rein in that insecurity, because that is a far quicker relationship killer then a baby mama is ever going to be. If he really wanted her then he would be with her - but he isn't, is he? He's with you. Having spoken to tons of guys over the course of my career I will tell you that guys find a woman who is secure to be one of the sexiest things EVER! So pull on your big girl panties and remind yourself that you are a goddess, and that you are worthy of love. Don't let your fears ruin your happiness.

Look at it from her side too... she had a relationship that she felt secure and loved in, they had a child together... and now he is with someone else and he is happy. It is natural for her to be scared, frustrated and jealous too. For years my husband's ex called me "that woman", "his whore", and blamed me for all the problems that she had. Who am I kidding? She STILL blames me - even though SHE was the one that left him. Unless the child resulted from a one night stand the chances are is that she once saw herself right where you are now.  Put yourself in her shoes...

So what can you do to make the best of this situation? The very FIRST thing I am going to say is that you cannot place DEMANDS on him or ask him to put you first - you are just going to set yourself up for failure if you do. Instead you need to sit down with him and have a conversation and work together to come up with a solution that makes everyone happy.

1. You are going to have to trust him.  Trust me, I know that one is probably the hardest. Even if they talk on the phone every day you need to trust in the relationship that you have with him. If you don't trust your partner it is never going to matter how much love there is there - things WILL fall apart.
   
   
2. Be prepared to be flexible. And be honest with him if you are struggling with that. When you date someone with kids you need to be prepared for things to change on a dime. Maybe something comes up and she needs him to pick their child up from school, or she needs to go out of town for work and he now has the child for the next week. If you are someone that has to have a plan for everything and can't handle surprises then this relationship isn't going to be for you. Kids cause chaos sometimes, and that is something that you are going to have to find a way to make peace with.
   
   
3. DO NOT make him feel as if he needs to choose between you and his child, because you will lose that battle 95% of the time. Voice your concerns, and how the situation makes you feel - AND understand that he has worries and fear s of his own too. He is essentially the monkey in the middle here, and that is never an easy place to be.
   
   
4. Encourage him to get it in writing. If he doesn't already have some sort of legal document in place concerning his visitation and custody rights encourage him to do so. Some people avoid doing this because they don't want to confrontation with the ex or even that they believe that they have a good enough rapport that it isn't needed. But I will tell you from experience that all it takes is one time for things to go to hell without documentation. Structure is never a bad thing. But if he pushes back on doing it, don't force the issue.
   
   
5. Understand your role - and stay in your lane. This one is hard - and one that I personally struggle with the most. I consider those kids to be my sons, and they call me Mom too, but at the end of the day I am NOT their mother. She is - and she gets to have the final say. It can be hard when you are around the kids and you feel like you are a parent to them, to think that you have a say, but at the end of the day all you can do is suggest. Same goes for any disputes between the two of them. Don't get in the middle! I remember sitting in the kitchen one day, arguing with my husband over the ex (again) and telling him that he needed to do X, Y and Z. Boy, was that a disaster! Offer support to your partner, and offer to help find solutions WITH them, but at the end of the day he and the ex need to sort it out - not YOU. 
   
   
6. Develop a relationship with HER. This is another one that sometimes is easier said then done. No one is saying that you have to be best buddies, but it benefits everyone to be able to at least have a civil relationship with her. When the ex and I first had to deal with each other it was like freaking fireworks. I legit had to call the cops to get her removed from my property because she went that far off the deep end. She hired people to dig into my life and even scoured every thing I ever posted online (which she then tried to use in various court cases). It has been 12 YEARS now, and while we will never be friends we have found a balance where we can be civil to each other, and it is so much better for the boys now that we have.


7. Ask him to set boundaries with her. Your feelings are valid, so it is OK to ask your partner to set boundaries with his ex. Maybe she calls him every time the kid sneezes or draws a picture. If she is doing that then there is a good place for a boundary. Maybe the two of them decide that she only contact him by phone or text if it is something that is time sensitive.... Depending on the relationship it may be better for them to email each other so that there is a written record of what is said. (We have to do that here, because otherwise she is not above lying) Going over to paint his kids room was for his son more then it was for her, but maybe you guys come to the compromise that he help her to find someone to hire to do those sorts of things rather then do them himself. Ask him to limit himself to no more then 15 minutes at her place when picking up or dropping off his son. Not only is it important for her in terms of being able to move on, but it also minimizes confusion for the child. Don't expect HER to respect your feelings, but expect HIM to hear your concerns and help to resolve them.
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8. Understand she is ALWAYS going to be part of the dynamic. This can be a bitter pill to swallow. "I know that" you might say, but think about what it REALLY means. Not only is it the stuff right now - like school functions, medical decisions, etc... but it is going to be high school graduations, college stuff, weddings and even grandkids. She is going to be involved in all of it - and if you can't find it in your heart to make peace with that now then this relationship is not for you. Ask yourself how you see things 10 years from now? 20 years from now? 

At the end of the day you need to ask yourself if you can do this with trust and love. If you can't that is OK - but cut the cord now. Don't sit around expecting that things will get better all on their own, or that magically one day you are going to wake up secure in his feelings for you. Being with someone who has children can be hard, but having unrealistic expectations is the fastest way to kill the relationship.

And believe me, I know from experience how hard it can be. I have been dealing with his ex for over a DECADE now, and there are days that I just want to scream. But my husband and I have a much better relationship because we can talk about the issues, and although I offer my input and suggestions I ultimately trust that he will do what he needs to in order to provide for his kids AND maintain a healthy relationship. Every situation is different, of course, so communication with your partner sooner rather then later is the way to go. If you can do that while making peace with the fact that his ex will ALWAYS be a part of the dynamic then you can find a happy middle ground. 

​Thanks for writing in with your question. I hope that this was able to help you out

Next time in "What Do I Do When..." we will cover long distance relationships. Do you have a question that you would like to see explored?