What Do I Do When... He Ghosts Me?

Ghosting... and not the festive Halloween kind can leave you reeling. It sets off a chain of events that can sometimes be hard to recover from. The term ghosting was coined in the early 2000s and has only grown in the years since. So what is ghosting, why does it happen and how can you protect yourself? Keep reading to find out.

    Dear Tucumcari Tarot -
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I met James on Tinder about six months ago. We hit it off right away and we spent a lot of time texting each other daily, and we met up for dates a couple of times. The last date that we had was amazing, and we ended up sleeping together (it was rock my world incredible!) Since then the text messages were less frequent, and sometimes I would go four or five days before I heard from him again. I sent him a text message letting him know that I missed him and that I was worried and I can see that he read the message - but he hasn't responded. I've sent a few more messages but it has now been about three weeks since I heard from him last. I am afraid I have been ghosted. Was it something I did? Why would he just drop off the face of the earth like that? I miss him so much and I want to find out what happened so I can fix it.

Ghosted in Green Bay

Dear Ghosted in Green Bay -

​I am afraid that you are right, and that you have in fact been ghosted.  I am sorry to hear that you had this experience, which sadly has become far too common in today's dating age. A 2018 survey in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships asked 1300 people to weigh in on ghosting. Over 40% of people asked had been ghosted at least once, and nearly 30% said that they had personally ghosted someone in the past. 

Dating apps play a large role in this, and I see that you met James on Tinder. Unfortunately in this day and age (and perhaps worse since COVID) dating apps have become ghost central. For a lot of people they treat them as a shopping cart where they add and remove people as they try to decide what they like and want. Nearly 37% of people surveyed have said that they have multiple people that they are talking to on a dating app - the days of being someone's sole attention (at least in the beginning) seem to be behind us. 

Ghosting is so painful because there is just so much that you don't know - and there are a lot of unanswered questions that can mess with your head. Was it something I did? Was it something I said? Am I not attractive?  The most important thing that you need to know is this:  IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU - Ghosting is the result of someone else's choices, not yours. There is NOTHING wrong with you. So why do people ghost? 

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1. To avoid confrontation

Have you ever avoided doing something because you KNEW that it was going to be a disaster? That there might be yelling, tears and just a ton of drama? Just like you may have avoided that situation, he may be doing the same. Some guys just don't know what to do when a girl cries, or they are afraid of the fight that would be inevitable. So rather then face things head on they just stick their head in the sand - if they ignore it then it will be over and they won't have to deal with it. 

​2. Things are moving too fast or too slow

We have all been in that relationship where we realize that one person is way more emotionally invested. When I was in high school I dated a guy that after THREE days told me that he loved me. Maybe he did, but that was way too fast for me. I barely knew him and he would have been happy to be picking out names for our kids! When one person is clearly in a whole other place it can be really hard to know how to deal with it, and if it isn't clear what to do then sometimes people run rather then face it head on. It sort of ties into the "wanting to avoid confrontation" answer above. 

3. He is selfish or emotionally immature

He has demonstrated that all he cares about is what he thinks and feels. All he cared about was what was easiest for him. Maybe he is just not good at relationships past a point, or maybe he is just garbage at communicating. At the very least he is showing that he doesn't care about causing pain to someone else, in which case you should be saying good riddance!

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4. He's just not into you or he is with someone else

Remember how I mentioned how people these days tend to treat online dating like a shopping cart? He may have ghosted you because you are just not the right fit for him, and that he has decided to go with/or is already with someone else. I can't tell you how many clients I have had that are in tears because the guy they were interested in was interested in someone else. They always want to know what is wrong with them? What does she have that they don't, etc... This is another time when this has nothing to do with you. Just like you have things that you want out of a relationship so do they. While the execution leaves something to be desired we all have the right to have standards, and to pursue the people that will give us what we need. 

​5. There are safety concerns

This one applies to both men and women. We have all encountered someone that becomes obsessive or who even borders on abusive behavior. This is a person that you can't reason with - you just have to get out. 49% of people have encountered aggressive behavior from a potential or current partner. Think about all the times you may have heard of or seen a video where some guy tried to break it off and the woman took a baseball bat to his car. In a situation like this the only thing that you CAN do is to vanish. Sticking around only makes things more chaotic and potentially more dangerous. Another thing that is an issue is what is call "coercive control" - something that 4 out of 10 people have encountered. Coercive control is an act or a pattern of acts of assault, threats, humiliation and intimidation or other abuse that is used to harm, punish, or frighten their victim. You might see it when a woman threatens to abort their child if he leaves, or someone who threatens to kill themselves if you leave. It also includes gaslighting - and in almost all cases coercive control is a crime. People who do these things are toxic and abusive... and you need to get away. They do not deserve your explanations or time. This category is a very SMALL percentage of ghosting cases though, so keep that in mind.

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6. He got what he wanted

If I had to guess, this is a contributing factor in your situation with James. Your letter indicates that shortly after the two of you had sex that was when things started to drop off. Couple this with the fact that you only had a couple of in-person dates and this raises some flags. It suggests that all he wanted was to get you into bed, and once that was accomplished he saw no reason to stick around. He was off to his next conquest. You said it rocked your world, but unfortunately it doesn't sound like it rocked his. If a man ghosts you after sex, he's a jerk. There are no ifs, ands, or buts about that. There isn't really any excuse that can justify this one. This is something that we see a lot of when talking about dating apps - too many people these days use them for hook-ups and are less then honest with people. You mentioned that you met on Tinder, which is a red flag in and of itself. Tinder is set up to make choices based on visual cues, and becomes almost a popularity contest. It is really not suited for creating lasting relationships. Honestly - I am not a fan of dating apps in general.

So now we have dived into a lot of the reasons why people might ghost - and it is by no means a comprehensive list. I even had a client who had someone ghost and she found out about a year later it was because he went to prison! I have had others where the person got really sick (like with COVID) and was out of contact for quite a while. These don't happen often, but they CAN, so it is important to remember that you can't assume that you know what is going on - but you can deal with the actual ghosting. 

OK - so how do you protect yourself from being ghosted?

Ghosting may still happen to you, but as a general rule there are a few ways that you can protect yourself and reduce the chances of it happening to you.
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• Change your perception of ghosting - I can't tell you how many times I have talked with women who went on one or two dates right off and then they never heard from the guy again. This is not really ghosting, this is someone letting you know up front that they are not interested in seeing where things go. Also, if it has been one or two days since you heard from someone that is not ghosting either. As a general rule if it has been weeks since you heard from someone, or you find yourself suddenly blocked then it is safe to assume that you have been ghosted.
  
  
  
• Make him chase YOU (to a degree) - I see women all the time who have gone very hard after a guy, messaging and calling all the time, showing up at his work, etc... and most of the time it only serves to drive him away. Don't always be the one who is reaching out or making the plans. Make him put in some effort too - then you know that he is genuinely interested in moving things forward. If you have to do all the chasing then there is something wrong.
  
  
  
• Avoid pen pal status - this is something that I feel your relationship falls into. You mentioned that you met six months ago, but in that time you have only met in person once or twice. If you aren't seeing someone in person on a regular basis then you are essentially a pen pal, and it is hard to make anything substantial out of that. This is the same issue that I have with long distance relationships - especially ones where they have never met in person. There is only so much that you can learn about a person without actually spending time with them. 
  
  
  
• Date people who can communicate honestly - be up front with letting someone know that you are not interested in hook ups or casual. There is nothing wrong with letting someone know that you aren't just playing. By that same token, a person should be up front with YOU about what they are looking for. That way you are not wasting your time on someone who doesn't have the same goals as you.
  
  
  
• Do not sleep with him right away - I get it, when there is a spark it can be pretty powerful and intoxicating. When I met my current husband the chemistry was OFF THE CHARTS amazing. But I knew that I wasn't looking for something casual or short term (and we both had kids to consider) so we spent a lot of time getting to know each other, talked about dreams, learned each others moods and body language, etc... In the end it was about 9 months before we slept together for the first time. By then we were easily each others best friend, and that made that first time all the more powerful and emotional. You certainly don't have to wait as long as I did - but have a standard as to how long you will be together before you sleep together. It might be a certain number of months or a certain number of dates.... whatever you feel is most appropriate for you. Build that foundation of the relationship first so you know that there is more to it then sexual heat. I also firmly believe that you should not have sex BEFORE you have the "exclusive" conversation. If you aren't seeing each other exclusively then you don't know that you are the only one that they are sleeping with - and that can be a real issue. 
  
  
  
• Finally you need to have high standards - know what you want from a partner and what things are deal breakers. Relationship standards are a MINIMUM requirement for you, and are generally pretty set in stone. Let's say that you have always wanted a family, and you meet Todd who hates kids. You COULD date Todd, marry hime, etc... but at the end of the day he isn't going to budge on kids and you have now wasted years on someone who doesn't want the same things as you. It can lead to resentment, cheating, divorce, etc... There is usually a high emotional cost to not having standards and sticking to them. A good starting place for setting standards is writing down a list of the qualities and behaviors that make you the happiest in a relationship, are the most meaningful to you, and that are non-negotiable. These should be behaviors and goals, not things like "he needs to be tall" or "he needs to be rich".  Communication, respect, attraction... should all be high on your list. Make your list AND operate on the assumption that people DO NOT change. Don't put up with bad behaviors because you think that you can change the other person. If they are not what you need then keep looking.  If you are already involved with someone and haven't made your standards list yet here is a checklist to help you to determine if you are dealing with red flags: 

So at the end of the day Ghosted in Green Bay it sounds like you have in fact been ghosted. It can be hard to let go when there is no closure, but you can do it. Sit down with a pen, paper and maybe a glass of wine. Start by jotting down what you liked about the relationship and what you didn't. This can help do create an objective view of what the relationship really was. Then take your pen and paper to create your standards list if you haven't already. Finally, if you have any notes, gifts, etc from the person that ghosted you get rid of them. Wipe the slate clean. I have a lot of clients that feel it is really helpful to burn them, but throwing them out works just as well. Think of it as a form of spring cleaning. Treat it like a normal breakup, process how you feel and then move on. 

Hopefully this has been helpful to a lot of you, and I encourage you to click the link below for more information on the What Do I Do When series topics and to submit your own question, or you can share your own stories and tips in the comments below! 

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